“Trump Care” The Republican Replacement Plan for “Obama Care”

The new Republican Health Plan calledTrump Care  that will be replacing “Obama Care” has been released.  The plan will cover one jar of Vaseline and surgical gloves for physicians performing Trump Care. The plan will not cover the physicians procedure costs but Republicans have provided health care savings plans to cover these costs. This is the only procedure covered under Trump Care. All other medical expenses will be paid for by tax credits and health care savings plans. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) was asked by TME reporter Bing Bong “How could a poor cancer patients save enough money to pay for cancer treatment?” Chaffetz  responded “Well we’re getting rid of the individual mandate. We’re getting rid of those things that people said they don’t want. And you know what? Americans have choices. And they’ve got to make a choice. And so, maybe rather than getting that new iPhone that they just love and they want to go spend hundreds of dollars on that, maybe they should invest it in their own health care. They’ve got to make those decisions for themselves.” Reporter Dick Dickless caught up with U.S. Rep. Roger Marshall of Kansas and asked him about the poor and Marshall responded “Just like Jesus said, ‘The poor will always be with us.’ … There is a group of people that just don’t want health care and aren’t going to take care of themselves”.

To actually receive this type of treatment under “Trump Care” the patient will have to pay cash upfront (Health Care Savings). Conservatives and right wing groups were concerned that homosexuals might abuse “Trump Care“. To appease conservatives, the religious right, alt right groups and other nationalists there is specific limitations for which gay men can only have the procedure performed once a year by a licensed physician.  Trump Care allows heterosexuals men and women, gay women, goats, sheep (slipped in for a group calling themselves the Kalispell Pioneer Little Europe who began screening Holocaust denial films at the library in Kalispell, Flathead Valley’s largest city. White nationalist leader Richard Spencer moved to the lakeside resort town of Whitefish Montanaand dogs can have the procedure done as many times as as they want in a year. When asked about the restrictions in “Trump Care” Gay Activists Martin Duberman laughed hysterically.

Patients will be required to meet certain physical requirements to receive the procedure.

Here is a copy of the procedure:

    1. Patient will stand and undo trousers or other types of clothing  and drop them to ankle height.
    2. Patient will bend over the medical treatment table and spread ass cheeks wide.
    3. Physician will place a surgical glove on the penetrating procedural hand and place the other surgical glove on the free hand.
    4. Physician will dip penetrating hand into Vaseline and lube sparingly (Trump Care will only pay for a one finger procedural dip).
    5. Physician will rub Vaseline  onto the patient anus with the Vaseline covered finger.
    6. Physician will tell patient to take a deep breath and insert finger deep into the patients anal canal.  (Please hold still as Trump Care will only pay for one set of gloves. Any breakage of a glove or gloves that causes a fingernail injury in the anal cavity will be patients responsibility (Tax Credits).
    7. Two handed procedures will be covered under Trump Care for patients who have extremely large assholes but still only one finger lube any extra lube will be taken out of patients health care savings unless patient makes over one million dollars per year. Those patients will receive as much lube as needed under Trump Care.
    8. Physician will place the free hand on patients scrotum and ask patient to cough 5 times while doing anal cavity exam. (Trump Care Bonus)
    9. There will be no reach around by physicians for any type of relief. A reach around can be negotiated with your physician beforehand. Trump Care wants to give patients access to as many health care options as possible as long as patients read the fine print on reach arounds. All reach arounds will be paid by patients out of their health care saving plans.
    11. All costs associated with guaranteed access to healthcare other then the anal exam (certain restrictions apply)  will be the patients responsibility under Trump Care to be paid for by tax credits or health care savings plan.

President Trump thinks Americans should feel grateful for his plan. Presidents Trump told reporters ” This is the best and biggest healthcare access plan ever in the history of the United States. Trump Care is 1000 times bigger then Obama Care. It is my gift to the American people. History will thank me for this”.

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